The First of Some (No Guarantees) — Sequoia Simone Thomas

I don’t need a website. I really don’t. As I sit here, out on the back porch trying to soak up any sun that dares peek through the clouds, I’ve come to realize this may be an exercise in futility. Maybe making this website was an excuse to look through pictures of myself and decide which ones really caught my essence, which ones someone might look at and immediately understand that I think I’m funnier than I actually am. Yes, I know, I could have achieved this very same goal by updating my Bumble profile. On the other hand at this point that’s a tired activity. There’s no skin in the game! Did I pay for that app? Absolutely not! Am I going to entertain any discussions longer than 4 days? Laughable! This website, however, I did pay for. Not to mention this blog post is already longer than the Bumble bio character limit. And the conversation I had with Jared.

Perhaps it’s not a vain scrolling through my past photos that’s made me do this. Maybe I’m hoping that by announcing my future plans I will suddenly be filled with a sense of purpose, and from now forward I will spend my new free time becoming a better writer, and recording the pilot episodes for my new podcast, and finally picking up my camera again. I will quickly develop the comedic writing skills I’ve coveted but never worked for just by having said out loud that I have goals. You hear that? I have goals! And I’m not afraid to say it on the internet!

It may not be that either. For all you know I might not have been totally honest with myself yet. It could be that I have reached a level of boredom that I have never encountered before. That I sat all day tinkering with a squarespace template, only to discard all changes and just stick with the original, because I could not dream up anything better to do besides continuing my rewatch of Riverdale. When asked by Bumble Jared I claimed I was rewatching Parks and Rec because it seemed less embarrassing at the time, but maybe if I’d just fessed up our conversation may have lasted longer. He could see right through my Pawnee lies right to my Riverdale heart.

Then again, I could very well be filling my time with more job applications, some cleaning, perhaps a sprinkling of pretending everything is normal and I just really wanted to have a chill day at home today. It’s possible that I made this website because I have had an unprecedented amount of time to think lately. I’m not yet going to pass judgement on whether that has been a good or a bad thing, the scales tip daily and this is far from over. Today, at least, seems to have tipped towards good and at this point I’ll take whatever scraps of motivation I can get. I want a lot of things from my life, from myself, and I become more and more fearful as time marches forward that I will not get them.

So today I made this website. I wrote this blog post. As time goes on I’ll write some more. I’ll take motivation where I can get it, and use it as best I can. No guarantees.